Wanted

Saw Wanted… wanted to punch myself in the nuts.

(This is my first movie review for Space Tacos and I want to establish that I will not be providing spoilers without fair warning on any movie review. read on without fear. )

I love to read. I love to read comic books, novels, us weekly, guns and ammo, and bridal magazines. I salivate for the day when my favorite comics are turned into movies. I am not one to believe that all adaptations are bad. the first two x-men films were amazing, but that is a topic for another day. Wanted, an adaptation of the graphic novel by the same name, created by Mark Millar (writer) and J.G. Jones (Artist), is a bastardization of its source material .

Now don’t get me wrong, if you enjoy movies like the transporter or the flavor of cock lollipop–then this might just be the flick for you. It is high energy, colorful, and completely without heart. The one thing that it does have is James McAvoy shirtless a few times. I can’t say I have a man crush on the dude (I do have some, don’t judge me) but I hear he is attractive. I just see him as goat boy from The Chronicles of Narnia. Angelina Jolie is in it for the guys, but she has really stopped being super hot. She looks like skeletor now. Don’t get me wrong, she has some of the sexiest eyes (not lips) in Hollywood, but necrophilia is just not my bag. she is all veiny and bony and gross. just…gross.

Mark Millar and J.G. Jones created something that was pure. Wanted (graphic novel) has no good guys. Good guys are suckers and suckers all get to die. Some get raped first, but then they die. The story is all told through the view point of Wesley, a standard loser who is unable to stand up for himself. He eats tofu while his best friend rocks his girl six inches deep to the hilt. Wesley learns of his father’s death and his inherited place in a Fraternity of super villains from the aptly named Fox. Wesley is deprogrammed from his normal life and goes all kick ass, Rambo rapist (warning: there is some rape in the book).

Now as not to give too much away, I will just say that no matter how evil we see these characters, they are better than really really bad guys and we cheer Wesley on. He is our protagonist, plus the book is damn funny. Pick it up with an open mind-in comics you can do anything you want. I don’t expect that to transfer perfectly to film. I know that things have to change from the page to the screen, but leave the heart of the story.

Wanted(the movie) holds true to the basic aspect that Wesley is still a normal and he gets to be part of a fraternity, but then takes a left turn. Apparently the fraternity is now a group of super assassins that can all do the same shit. Oh and they kill people for the good of man kind. YAY, good killers!!! They all work in a textiles factory and make sweaters and the sweaters tell them who to kill by mistakes in the weave and you can read it because it comes out in binary code. Huh? How does that sound good in a pitch meeting?

With everyone in the fraternity having the exact same power, they still need Wesley to go after movie bad guy Cross. With the ability to all bend bullets and break any law of physics that ever existed it makes for some shiny fight scenes if you leave all logic behind. I love comics, told ya that already, and I love the idea that humans can do superhuman stuff, but there have to be a set of rules in place, boundaries to which we can relate. I’m willing to accept that a man has super strength, but cars are still heavy and they fuck shit up when you throw them. Well you get that shit out of your head right now, cause in this flick cars and guns and everything else get to go nuts.

I can release my mind to the ida super assassin has the ability to slow things down or hit almost any shot, but bullets fly straight and you cars do not get to flip off of buses and be able to drive away. Unless of course your super power is magnetism and you can manipulate the metal—but guess what??? That is not a fucking power in this movie! You get to make one thing extreme, the people. everything else has to fit with what we already believe or you are just making a bullshit cartoon. This movie is a bullshit cartoon with skeletor and goat boy in it. fuck this movie. then end.

ahoy,

the captain