President Bad Ass

Bad Ass?

I love politics.  I really do.  like a fat chick loves rocky road, I love politics.  But being born in the 80’s my first president was Reagan.  Now I’m not knocking Reagan.  I mean anyone that can take a bullet for Jodi Foster is a man in my book, but as I read more and more about presidents of the past I really think what Americans need right now is a Bad Ass President.

Andrew Jackson.  That’s right.  Andrew Jackson, now he was bad ass.  I know what you are thinking.  “Andrew Jackson our seventh President?  What did he do other than help fight the national bank and help us rid the country of the pesky inhabitants that were here way before Europeans?” (Side bar… I would never call the massacre and removal of the Native Americans “helping the country with a pesky problem” that’s why I used quotes….dick….End Side bar) and to those of you thinking that.  I say this, Andrew Jackson did all of those things but he also did something Bad Ass.  Now it is known that Andrew Jackson took part in as many as 13 duels.  I would say that just living through 13 duels is bad ass but Jackson did at least two more Bad Ass things.  One.  In a duel with Charles Dickinson (over Jackson’s wife’s honor, how bad ass is that?) Andrew Jackson stepped into the fight and waited for Dickinson to shoot first.  Seriously.  Stepped in front of a gun and let himself get shot in the ribs (All for his wife’s honor.  I’m awesome but when I get shot at I’m looking for women and children to throw at the gunman ).  Two.  After being shot in the ribs Jackson steadied his .70-caliber pistol and killed Dickinson.  Now that’s Bad Ass.  So I think we can all agree that we would vote for that.  That is change I can believe in.

So by this point I bet your thinking.  “taking a bullet to the ribs, and then killing the man that talked shit about your wife,  No one president can ever be that Bad Ass again”.  I would like to introduce you to Teddy “fuckin” Roosevelt. In 1912 Roosevelt was running for president under the new “progressive” party.  Now running for president back in 1912 is very different than running for president now.   So naturally Roosevelt traveled around the country giving speeches and meeting people.  Wait.  that’s what they do now.  Anyway, on October 14th of the before mentioned year Roosevelt was just about to give a speech in front of 9,000 or so people, 8,999 of which really liked Roosevelt.  The one that didn’t was a man named John F. Schrank.  Just as Roosevelt stood up to speak Schrank stood up and fired one shot.  The bullet struck Roosevelt’s breast pocket where it punched through Roosevelt’s speech and his glasses case, before lodging itself in the wall of his lung.  So Roosevelt did two things that make him forever a Bad Ass.  One.  After being shot Roosevelt did what you would expect.  That’s right.  He got back to his feet and said (and I quote) ” I don’t know whether you fully understand that I have been shot; but it takes more than that to kill a bull moose.”  And then he talked for 90 min.  Now most political speeches are 7 to 10 min maybe 30 to 45 if the candidate is sober.  But Roosevelt did a cold 90 minutes with a bullet in his lung.  After that the “progressive” party changed their name to the Bull Moose party.  Two.  After finishing his speech.  I’m thinking Roosevelt ended it by saying something like “That’s right Mo fos.  I just got shot in the chest by “The Man” You know they can’t keep a player down” (in this quote the part of Roosevelt was played my Big “E” Smalls) Roosevelt went to the hospital where the doctor promptly tried to remove the bullet from Roosevelt’s lung.  Roosevelt declined.  “Thanks doc. But no thanks.  I’m a certified Bad Ass” – Roosevelt.  *

I just think that if anyone of the candidates had taken a bullet in the ribs and then killed that man for his wife’s honor, or took a shot to the chest and then spoke for 90 in front of 8,999 people (I assume that Schrank only heard Roosevelt speak from the paddy wagon) I would totally feel better about who I’m voting for.  Can we get an independent Candidate from prison or something.  I think that would make it a lot easier.

AWESOME OUT!!

* Some of the quotes in this article may not be word for word.  But they are close enough.