So I got off work today with nothing to do.  Instead of doing what I normally do, I’d tell you what that is but it would destroy my “awesome” rep, I called up my good friend Wil and brother Brandon.  The general plan was to ride the Harleys, we all have 1200 customs of various years, and grab so dinner at Moe’s.  After dinner we decided to check out a movie.  Now I know what you are thinking. “3 dudes, going to dinner and a movie…..FAGS.”  And normally I’d agree with you but did I mention we were riding Harleys.  Anyway, we went and saw Eagle Eye.

I’m not going to give away the movie so if you are worried about me spoiling the movie, don’t be.  I thought it was a very good movie though.  I’m not a movie snob like Captain Vic is though.  If a movie has a half decent plot line and it helps me forget about my disappointing life, or tits, I’m into it.  Eagle eye didn’t have the tits (as it is rated PG-13), but it did have a deacent plot line.  Shia LaBeouf and Michelle Monaghan do a good job pushing the story as it unfolds, and Rosario Dawson and Billy Bob Thornton do a great job “investigating” Shia and Monaghan helping to “get to the bottom”, if you will, of the main plot line.

I will say this though.  there isn’t really much of a plot twist.  Unless you were born yesterday, or have some sort of cognitive disability, you will have no trouble annoying the shit out of the person next to you by saying things like “oh, I bet the mother fucker gets fried by them power lines” and “I bet the Hal 9000 wanna be lookin piece of shit is the one pulling the strings”.  There is also an un needed love story.  I guess hollywood thinks that if the audience doesn’t believe that the main characters and going to get it on (for the dudes) or find true love in the arms of their counterpart (for the chicks) that no one will go see the moive.  I find this some what frustrating, especally in movies that take place over a few days.  If I could find the town that these women Hollywood is basing their female leads on (the ones that give it up after a few hours or days of knowing the male lead) you would have to either drug me and carry me out of town under cover of darkness or kill me.  But despite the lack of a good plot twist, and the love story, the movie still held my attention and kept me entertained.

So if you like movies that entertain I would recommend going to check this one out.  But if you are looking for a movie to change the way you see the world and open your eyes to new experiences, I hear W. comes out in a few weeks.

Awesome Out

And a BIG P.S. (or post script from those of you who have used “P.S.” since your first love letter but never knew what it ment)  Josh Todd has a cameo in this movie (WORD UP).  If you don’t know who Josh Todd is, your obviously not as big a nerd as I am.  He is the lead singer for Buckcherry.  I’m a fan.  Stay posted to Space Tacos for a review of thier new album “Black Butterfly”.

i think i’ve talked to this person before…and their extended family.

Remember the good ole days? You know, back when Madonna was good, Michael Jackson was black, and Michael J. Fox could drink a cup of coffee without a lid on it? Some of my favorite movies came out of that time period… movies like Ghostbusters, Back to the Future, and all the Indiana Jones movies worth mentioning. I grew up on movies like that, and much like oth things I grew up on… I stopped playing with them, or watching them, and they ended up like my old slap bracelet.

I have been wanting to watch some of these old movies or at least remember a bit about them and I came across this “highlight reel” of a great movie with the before mentioned Michael “the Shakes” Fox. I’m sure we have all seen it. But I don’t think my parents would have let me watch this version. Click on the link below to watch the Highlight reel. You’ll be glad you did.

Awesome out.

Saw Wanted… wanted to punch myself in the nuts.

(This is my first movie review for Space Tacos and I want to establish that I will not be providing spoilers without fair warning on any movie review. read on without fear. )

I love to read. I love to read comic books, novels, us weekly, guns and ammo, and bridal magazines. I salivate for the day when my favorite comics are turned into movies. I am not one to believe that all adaptations are bad. the first two x-men films were amazing, but that is a topic for another day. Wanted, an adaptation of the graphic novel by the same name, created by Mark Millar (writer) and J.G. Jones (Artist), is a bastardization of its source material .

Now don’t get me wrong, if you enjoy movies like the transporter or the flavor of cock lollipop–then this might just be the flick for you. It is high energy, colorful, and completely without heart. The one thing that it does have is James McAvoy shirtless a few times. I can’t say I have a man crush on the dude (I do have some, don’t judge me) but I hear he is attractive. I just see him as goat boy from The Chronicles of Narnia. Angelina Jolie is in it for the guys, but she has really stopped being super hot. She looks like skeletor now. Don’t get me wrong, she has some of the sexiest eyes (not lips) in Hollywood, but necrophilia is just not my bag. she is all veiny and bony and gross. just…gross.

Mark Millar and J.G. Jones created something that was pure. Wanted (graphic novel) has no good guys. Good guys are suckers and suckers all get to die. Some get raped first, but then they die. The story is all told through the view point of Wesley, a standard loser who is unable to stand up for himself. He eats tofu while his best friend rocks his girl six inches deep to the hilt. Wesley learns of his father’s death and his inherited place in a Fraternity of super villains from the aptly named Fox. Wesley is deprogrammed from his normal life and goes all kick ass, Rambo rapist (warning: there is some rape in the book).

Now as not to give too much away, I will just say that no matter how evil we see these characters, they are better than really really bad guys and we cheer Wesley on. He is our protagonist, plus the book is damn funny. Pick it up with an open mind-in comics you can do anything you want. I don’t expect that to transfer perfectly to film. I know that things have to change from the page to the screen, but leave the heart of the story.

Wanted(the movie) holds true to the basic aspect that Wesley is still a normal and he gets to be part of a fraternity, but then takes a left turn. Apparently the fraternity is now a group of super assassins that can all do the same shit. Oh and they kill people for the good of man kind. YAY, good killers!!! They all work in a textiles factory and make sweaters and the sweaters tell them who to kill by mistakes in the weave and you can read it because it comes out in binary code. Huh? How does that sound good in a pitch meeting?

With everyone in the fraternity having the exact same power, they still need Wesley to go after movie bad guy Cross. With the ability to all bend bullets and break any law of physics that ever existed it makes for some shiny fight scenes if you leave all logic behind. I love comics, told ya that already, and I love the idea that humans can do superhuman stuff, but there have to be a set of rules in place, boundaries to which we can relate. I’m willing to accept that a man has super strength, but cars are still heavy and they fuck shit up when you throw them. Well you get that shit out of your head right now, cause in this flick cars and guns and everything else get to go nuts.

I can release my mind to the ida super assassin has the ability to slow things down or hit almost any shot, but bullets fly straight and you cars do not get to flip off of buses and be able to drive away. Unless of course your super power is magnetism and you can manipulate the metal—but guess what??? That is not a fucking power in this movie! You get to make one thing extreme, the people. everything else has to fit with what we already believe or you are just making a bullshit cartoon. This movie is a bullshit cartoon with skeletor and goat boy in it. fuck this movie. then end.

ahoy,

the captain

Hellboy II opens today. I’m pretty excited myself, I loved the 1st one and was introduced to the comics as a result. I’m also pretty confident that it’s going to be a pretty big hit. I base this on the fact that the 1st Hellboy didn’t really take off in theaters but was huge on DVD, so my money says all those folks who discovered it on DVD will surely see the sequel on the big screen. Also, this summer is al about flawed heros right? Ironman, The Hulk, Hancock, Batman.. these guys all have flaws that are important to the charater. Hellboy fits right in, I mean whats a better flaw for a hero than to be A GODDAMN DEMON SENT HERE TO SET OUR WORLD TO THE FLAME OF HELL!? Seems like a good bet to me. Hellboy II FTW.

Oh, did I mention I like Futurama too?

~So sayeth Lord Charles

Saw the new Indiana Jones, here’s my 30 second review: If you like Indy, go see it, but be prepared to rub your forehead muttering “what the bloody hell were they thinking” a few times. I’ll give you this spoiler free tip too: Near the end the villain is going to say “I want to know…” and Indy is going to step back and say “I have a bad feeling about this”. At that point you should close your eyes, plug your ears and just visualize the ending to The Last Crusade for about 15 minutes… the villain melts, the temple collapses and everyone good runs away in a daring escape. Then open your eyes to see our hero overlooking the destruction. Just trust me, it’s a great movie if you just remember that trick. Read on for my full bitchy review (with spoilers)…

***SPOILERS AHEAD***

Still here? Alright, here goes. So you heard that they were making a new Indiana Jones movie, and your first thought was “Really? Isn’t Harrison Ford dead by now?”. He is of course not dead currently, so with that confirmed your next thought was probably “Oh lord, are they going to chew up this cherished memory into the same crapload as the Star Wars prequels and ET? Cast some dumbass actor of the minute and use CGI to indulge every childhood fantasy of Speilberg and Lucas?” Well, in short… yes.

As far as casting “new” talent is concerned, I didn’t mind Shia LeBeouf as much as I thought I would, although I swear to god if they try to continue the franchise with “Badass Son of Indiana Jones and the Haunted Motorcycle of Doom” or some bullshit I will kill him. His character is introduced on a Motorcycle, and he does the Fonz haircomb thing like 3 times, but otherwise isn’t really the badass punk I think we’re supposed to see him as. But for that I blame bad writing rather than bad acting.

As for the CGI… oh dear god the CGI. Let me put it in perspective, the movie opens with unnecessary CGI, the movie ends with REALLY unnecessary CGI. Seriously the 1st scene is a CGI gopher or some similar critter poking his CGI head out of a CGI hole as a possibly CGI car drives by. Not really a big deal but it immediately got me worried about what would be coming later. I was pleasantly surprised though as the 1st half passed without any more computer effects than one should expect these days. Mostly little things that are simply easier in CG than oldschool methods without compromising quality too much. Any that was obvious was overshadowed by the effects that appeared CG free, the chase sequences and action scenes with choreographed stunt work the way god intended. Well, except for our beloved archeologist surviving a nuclear bomb… I’ll let that one slide. He did drink from the holy grail right? Overall very pleased throughout the 1st half.

Then the 2nd half of the movie comes and proceeds to brutally rape my fond childhood memories. The halfway point is marked by a godawful action sequence during which I highly recommend you go the bathroom or something. It starts OK, a very familiar chase scene with military vehicles, this time in the jungle. Once Indy pulls out the rocket launcher and we are treated to a “much better than real” computer generated explosion things go downhill quick. First we get to see Shia Lebeouf sword fight the villain, good thing we set up his blade-skill earlier with an off-cuff comment on his time fencing at prep school. Certainly that background will allow him to hold his own against the crazy communist bitch who carries a case of swords everywhere she goes… I mean if I carried a case of swords around with me it’s probably because I’m not very good with them right?? Anyway… the sword fight is bad enough but the whole damn thing happens between 2 moving vehicles driving through the jungle. And what’s this? Why it seems our new young Indy Jr (the 3rd, whatever) has managed to land one of his now CGI replaced legs on one of the CGI cars while his other CGI replaced legs remains on the other CGI car as they whip through the CGI jungle, and what do you know they’re starting to drive apart! Oh my, I hope no CGI plants show up to whack his junk, oh spoke to soon! But don’t worry, he manages to escape the fight, only to return by tarzaning his way across the jungle on vines! Seriously.

Am I bitching about the CGI too much? Let me explain and allow me a moment to talk about suspension of disbelief, because it’s a very important concept here. The whole above described sequence sounds silly on paper, but so does almost any scene in the previous Indys or virtually any action movie when you apply scrutiny. What makes them work, and what is required of a film such as this, is that we as the audience willingly leave our adherence to reality at the door. We have to choose to not nitpick every detail. It is the job of the director and the writing to hook us and make us leave reality. It is the job of the actors and the effects to convince us to stay in this state of belief. The scene described above fails because an undeveloped character, poorly written and poorly acted, performs actions he should not be able to. Not actions he shouldn’t be able to perform in our world, we know that’s impossible, but actions he should not be able to perform in the world in which he exists, the world of the film. At this point I have suspended my disbelief, and perhaps someone in the world of Indiana Jones could sword-fight that villain and swing across vines, but the character of Mutt Williams certainly can’t, which makes the fight improbable, the vines look fake, and the scene impossible. Bam, I’m back in reality, disbelief in full effect and I’m bitching about CGI.

Eventually things get better. The jungle chase is long, really long, and has several good parts beyond the crap mentioned above. There are killer ants, that while CG and named incorrectly (I’ll nitpick here because I love ants. Indy calls them Siafu which are a real type of dangerous African driver ant, but they are in South America at this point in the movie. Why use such a specific word without looking it up and being accurate?), are actually pretty cool if you can get yourself back into the suspension of disbelief mindset. There are waterfalls and angry natives and traps and stone switches and eventually we come to the long lost hidden temple/city/tomb we’ve been looking for this whole time… that ends up being a bigass flying saucer. Seriously. Hence my previous tip… when the villain says “I want to know” and proceeds to return the crystal skull (which you will now realize belongs to an alien) to its crystal alien skeleton.. close your eyes and think of better days. You won’t miss anything but the absolute worst, most poorly written, overly computer graphics enhanced, retarded ass slap in the face ending ever.

On the flip side… go see it just to see how fucked up the ending really is. I hate you George Lucas, quit ruining everything you touch.

In the end I did overall like it, and I think it’s a good addition to the Indiana Jones franchise. It’s got stunts, action, jokes, and whipping… it just gets ruined by a horribly unnecessary ending. Maybe someone will horsewhip George Lucas (I really blame him for this) and we’ll see an alternate non-retarded ending on the DVD.

~So sayeth Lord Charles

(This post retro-blogged)

Dammit Warner Bros! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!!!! There’s no friggin’ difference between the formats, no friggin’ difference at all! (Fuck you and your 50GB vs 30GB, nobody fucking cares) If you wanted to go HD, you had to make the choice based on who you thought would win… I bet on HD-DVD… AND I FUCKING PICKED THE WRONG FUCKING HORSE!!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!! Have no idea what I’m talking about? Go read up on it. I’ll wait….. Back? Pissed off as I am?? FUCK!!!

But enough Lewis Black style response…. I offer this ode to HD-DVD:

A long long time ago,

I can still remember how I stood there waffling in the store.

And with research and a lot of thought,

I made my choice, HD was bought,

Confident that it would win the war.

But that Blu-Ray it made me shiver,

With every studio it delivered;

Fox, New Line, and Buena Vista,

Lion’s Gate and Sony Pictures.

I screamed goddamn and then I cried,

When I read about Warner’s choice in side.

How many executives did Sony bribe?

The day the High Def died…

So, bye-bye, my choice for 1080p.

Whether a model by Toshiba,

Or the combo from LG,

And them good old boys watchin’ on their 360,

Singin’ fuck you Sony, Fuck your PS3.

Fuck you Sony, fuck your PS3.

Will you trust your HD pick,

Or will you switch to that BluRay shit,

If the AVS forums tell you so?

Has Warner dealt the final blow?

Or will we all be surprised if we go,

To next week’s Consumer Electronics Show?

Well, I know that I’m in love with him,

But when his Jobsness said BluRay for the win,

With Steve I was forced to disagree.

Why have you foresaken me?

Everything Microsoft touches is ‘teh suck’,

And they supported HD, I said ‘well fuck!’,

But it didn’t matter, just my luck…

The day the High Def died,

I started singin’;

Bye-bye, my choice for 1080p,

Whether a model by Toshiba

Or the combo from LG

And them good old boys watchin’ on their 360

Singin’ fuck you Sony, Fuck your PS3,

Fuck you Sony, fuck your PS3.

Now in ten years I’m sure we’ll do it some more,

All our movies rereleased in a new format war.

And that’s just how it used to be;

Back in the 70s Sony tried to play this game,

A tape you may remember Beta’s its name.

But they didn’t count on JVC.

Oh, and while Betamax was clean and safe,

VHS made a power play.

It’s all because of adult lust,

That Betamax was a bust!

Now you know why VHS killed Beta’s form,

But even though HD was first to have porn,

And we watched free 300 and Bourne…

Still, the High Def died.

We were singin’;

Bye-bye, my choice for 1080p,

Whether a model by Toshiba

Or the combo from LG

And them good old boys watchin’ on their 360

Singin’ fuck you Sony, Fuck your PS3,

Fuck you Sony, fuck your PS3.

At this point there are actually 2 more verses to America Pie… longest song to ever be played on the radio you know. But I got lazy. If anyone would like to finish it, lemme know.

~So sayeth Lord Charles

[Retro-blogged from my personal site here]